Working in Ottawa for two days --Rise of the insolent machines

Good morning folks,

I will be working in Ottawa today.

It's bad enough when we have unmannered kids, discourteous job candidates, rude drivers, now we can have condescending robots!

I read this morning in Wired Magazine that Google, the source of all things good and pure on the Internet, had received a patent for robots with personalities.

Get serious.

If there was ever a case of 'prior art' this must be it.

Even as a young viewer of Lost In Space, it was clear to me that that robot, a class M-3 model B9, had way more personality than its identical cousin Robby the Robot in the movie Forbidden Planet with his waving arms and mechanical yet foreboding, "Danger Will Robinson!".

Let's not forget that pr*ck Ash in the first Alien franchise movie, you know -before the franchise did away with the laws of physics and before Lt. Gorman named the aliens Xenomorphs in Aliens.  Ash, a Hyperdyne Systems 120-A/2, considered humans expendable as it pursued the agenda of the parent corporation.  At least Bishop brought some redemption for the robot class in Alien 3.

I also recall in 1991 or so when I developed and programmed a two stage dialing service based on calling party delivery on p-phone lines providing reverse calling (I may have invented the concept), it supported the languages English, French and Sean Connery with a bit of Scottish attitude.  Although in production only the first two were available.

But the real gem of the robot / AI personality is the automated IVR and reservation system of a certain online hotel booking site.   This weekend I remembered that I must book a hotel for tonight in Ottawa and first my preferred login with a well known chain would not work because my account needed to be updated.  I could not think of a better place to do it than the site were I created the account, but no.  I need to call in. Blah.

A quick check of favorite hotels revealed that there were no hotel rooms in the city except for the youth hostel.   Nah.  Keep searching.  And this is when I resorted to using that certain hotel website.

It revealed one hotel other than the hostel and a Motel 6 in a different city, a hotel just across the river in Hull.  So book it now I did.    Maybe.  The status had flashed up, contacting hotel, checking availability, checking payment, registering reservation, constructing email.........

After several minutes it timed out with a less than confidence building message that the website was unsure what happened, it lost connection to its servers, but for me to wait 15 minutes to see if the confirmation email might arrive.

I figure, no, I'll call in.  The automated IVR system there explained..

"Hang on while I try to find booking associated with the phone number you are calling from.

Hmm.. I could not find a reservation associated with that number, do you have another number that it might be under, enter it now or the reservation number."

Now I know a thing or two about telecom networks, and I knew that I was out of the city at a friend's cottage, dialing an 800 number using a cellphone while roaming.  There is an excellent chance that the IVR did not get my true calling partyid, but might have got a ID from a DAL or other facility.  So.. I typed in my cell phone number and hit.. #.

"Hmm.. you seem to have entered the same number that you are calling from and we were already unable to find any bookings with it.  If there is some other number associated..."

Attitude!  The "hmm" made it worse as if the machine was trying to evaluate exactly how to call this user a knucklehead or express pity at the poor malfunctioning, ill-equipped human.

Robots with personalities indeed, I've already had enough of them.

Have a great day, don't take any crap from the machines.

Working in Montréal today --Don't point and please don't stare

Good morning folks,

I will be working in Montréal today.

"Please kill me, smother me with a pillow, end it for me", I asked Sharlene to promise, "please snuff me out should my existence serve only as an amusement for others".  This might be measured if during my more senior years and venturing out in public some stranger fawns over me with references to me in the third person like, "oh, he's so cute, he looks like Methuselah" or something to the effect.

Yes, kids, it's the "Let's infantilize our seniors" edition of the Pulp!

On the weekend Sharlene and went out for Valentine's Day dinner at a restaurant that is priced high enough that usually the socially disruptive are weeded out.

Fail, this weekend.

Yeah, I know, those words sounded like they emanated from such an elitist <expletive redacted>, but I'll have you know that I earned somewhere around $14.80 last year from the Google Ads in that column on the left so I'm doin' okay, can enjoy the exclusive restaurant scene now and then, 'specially with my best gal. Feel free to click on one, will help my retirement fund.

:) you're a funny guy Uncle Daniel

Thanks, let's get back to the table and what occurred next.

At the head of fairly large assembly of other patrons nearby was a woman well into her nonagenarian years celebrating a birthday.  At the table next to ours a woman carried on to her date, the table behind me, passerbys and everyone in earshot, "Oh she's so cute", and continued, "she looks like Hazel.. maybe she's her sister.. she is so cute!".

Please just put a fork into my brain.  There were so many problems with the fawning.. Let's dive in.  The woman did NOT look like past Mississauga mayor Hazel McCallion.  The only similarity that I saw was both women are topped off with white hair.  This particular woman had a much narrower face and oh never mind, she didn't look like Hazel! Moreover she was a grown woman!

And it continued. "Don't you think she looks like Hazel?", the fawner was asking someone sitting behind me, "She is so cute! Isn't she so cute?".  Sharlene rolled her eyes a bit and grinned a bit.  I assured Sharlene, "Don't worry, I'll smother you with a pillow too, we'll take each other out before it's too late, double mercy killing, murder-suicide by pillow if necessary.", I promised.

"How would that work?", Sharlene wondered out loud, I explained "We'll need an automatic self propelled smothering pillow, it'll work just fine".

I suppose this woman thought she was being outgoing, engaging and interested in her surroundings, and she was.  Much like a 3 year old before her mother explains that it is impolite to point at and speak about stranger's physical attributes.  Especially using your outside voice!

I did wonder at the time what response I could have provided to make the situation halt.  If my response escalated it, then it would only draw more attention to the woman who was otherwise minding her own business having birthday dinner with her family.

I feared that if I said something then this adjacent table buffoon might have challenged me with a loud voice, "what?!  you think she isn't cute?!".  No, that would not do.

I amused myself with imagining how a very quiet, "madam.." and then a finger to my lips with a "shhh... inside voice please", might work. But then I reconsidered, it would only work if I used my Sean Connery voice.  "Madam.. inside voice please."  

Ultimately she and her date made their exit prior to me deciding which voice and which arrangement of words might suffice; and the nonagenarian --she enjoyed her birthday dinner with her family.

Have a great day, don't point, don't stare, and please.. use your inside voice.