Working in Ottawa today --Leave Britney Alone

Good morning folks,

It will be working in Ottawa today.

While brushing my teeth this morning, some of the week's event were shuffling around in my head, when the cold realization came to me in a blinding flash, a glimpse into a Grand Unification Theory of String Theory, Parallel Dimensions, Reincarnation, Shared Consciousness, General Relativity, Visualisability Theory and all things Celeb.

Rob Ford is an aging foul mouthed balding blonde over weight failed Mayor of Toronto with a drug opportunity, I mean problem, and simultaneously an aging foul mouthed balding blonde failed pop star with a drug problem, I mean opportunity.

Oops, he did it again.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Miss Britney Spears.

Wait!  Uncle Daniel, is this one of those times where you employ that cheap literary device and imbed the lyrics of some song, just to pad up your Pulp to a minimum size?

Yes.

Well, Uncle Daniel, What do your publishers think about this blatant attempt at filling column space with whatever the hell you just copy and paste down?

They pay me exactly the same, regardless.

Huh.  How about that.

Again.. Ladies and Gentlemen, Miss Mayor Ford singing his classic..

"yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah 

I think I did it again

I made you believe we're more than just friends

Oh baby

It might seem like a crush

But it doesn't mean that I'm serious

'Cause to lose all my senses

That is just so typically me

Oh baby, baby

[CHORUS:]

Oops!...I did it again

I played with your heart, got lost in the game

Oh baby, baby

Oops!...You think I'm in love

That I'm sent from above

I'm not that innocent

You see my problem is this

I'm dreaming away

Wishing that heroes, they truly exist

I cry, watching the days

Can't you see I'm a fool in so many ways

But to lose all my senses

That is just so typically me

Baby, oh

[Repeat CHORUS]

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

"All aboard"

"Britney, before you go, there's something I want you to have"

"Oh, it's beautiful, but wait a minute, isn't this...?"

"Yeah, yes it is"

"But I thought the old lady dropped it into the ocean in the end"

"Well baby, I went down and got it for you"

"Oh, you shouldn't have"

Oops!...I did it again to your heart

Got lost in this game, oh baby

Oops!...You think that I'm sent from above

I'm not that innocent"

Have a great day.  

Working in Montréal today --Veni, vidi, non scripsi

Good morning folks,

I will be working in Montréal today.

Every now and then I draw a blank set of topics for my Thursday pulps.  If you don't know how my process works, let me enlighten you.  Usually as I turn on to Silver Dart Drive on the airport grounds I start to think about possible subjects.  Having the radio news on sometimes helps.  If still blank I have hopes that something in the newspaper will supply a creative tidbit.  Failing that, some event at the airport will surely give me something, anything...

Once I have a topic, I will sometimes take the opportunity before take off to do some very quick research on the subject, perhaps some historical context, occasionally I will look up past pulps as some topics resurface.  Mayor Ford, The End of the World, Keynesian economics and corporate greed, tips on home surgical techniques -how to avoid a bleed out when removing your own appendix. I've covered them all, sometimes twice.

Today.. nope, nada, zip.  There was a brief moment where prior to push back the captain come over the PA and asked for everyone's attention, something had occurred and was observed by the baggage handlers.. "Yes?" I wondered.. a spill of crack cocaine from Mayor Ford's bag?  The missing $4 billion tacked onto the Ontario Hydro Debt by McQuinty, Oscar Pistorius' missing defense and a claim that it was he that screamed like a girl after the first two shots, but before the last two?

 No.  Seems  3 attractive grey ties had apparently slipped out of someone's bag.  Would the owner please alert a flight attendant so that they can returned.

Sigh.

It happens folks.  Not a damned thing to write about.  So instead of writing furiously, I am going to enjoy my breakfast  and a hot cup of coffee and sit back and enjoy the flight and will post this lame excuse for a pulp on our landing.

Oh.. Veni, vidi, non scripsi. Latin for I arrived, looked around, and didn't write about it.

Have a good day.

Working in Ottawa today --Banality

Good morning folks,

I will be working in Ottawa today.  

Although apparently booking flights has become so.. banal?  I was going to write, pedestrian as its adjective def. but then the whole juxtaposition of its noun def. and the fact that I am flying seemed rebellious although not especially recalcitrant to the rules of English.  yeah, I know, the knee slapping humour of English never stops.

Back to the banality of booking fights.  I arrived at the gate this AM to catch the 8:10 to Ottawa and the name of the gate agent's screen for seat 1D was not mine.   How can this be?  Cause I booked the 9 'stead of the 8.  Whoops.  But fear not, I was able to still grab a seat on the 8 albeit economy (had upgraded to biz) but I figure on the plane beats not being in the plane.

Ottawa.  I must comment that If Ottawa wants to improve its image on the world scene it needs to branch out and and create some controversy.  I read this morning that city council unanimously approved the 2014 budget yesterday. The $3 billion plan will see residents' taxes go up 1.9 per cent — below the two per cent cap set by council in May 2013 and the lowest tax hike in seven years. 

Yawn.  meanwhile in Toronto our crack smoking Mayor and his front man brother are duking it out with the deputy mayor over Toronto's budget increase in a war of words extending even to Fox News.   btw, did anyone else catch Doug Ford explaining to Fox that Rob is a real socialist and a fan of Obama, and Rob explaining to Fox that he is not a lefty, not a fan of Obama, but a righty like them.

Geez guys, at least get your media bites in sync.  A wee bit embarrassing to watch.

More on Canada's drug scene..

New Brunswick RCMP Cpl. Ronald Francis serves with J Division in New Brunswick and smokes pot on duty.

Eh?

Yes.  Seems the armed and uniformed corporal suffers from post traumatic stress disorder to the degree that anti-depressants just fail to address, so he has been prescribed medical weed.

wtf folks.  If he was prescribed medical vodka would he drink on duty? With a gun?  The man carries a side arm and drives a cruiser.  If I wander about, smoke some pot and get behind the wheel I would be guilty of impaired driving.  If I handled a firearm in that state I would be an idiot and anyone that allowed me to would be as big or bigger since they in theory would not be high.

I find this absolutely absurd.  If this man is incapable of functioning in his job as a peace office, an armed peace officer without partaking in mood and perception altering drugs, then he is incapable of being a peace officer.  He should be placed on medical leave and if his condition has no reasonable chance of recovery then a medical discharge.

The world must think that we have lost our minds.

Hey, did anyone else watch the Grey Cup?  I was a bit nervous to watch the half-time after last year, was absolutely terrified that someone from the Justin Beiber genre would show up with semi naked dancers and lots of glitter.. But no.

We had flying snow mobiles!  I kid you not.  I loved it.  The backup dancer gals were all wearing coats and pants and grooving to the tunes of Hedley without twerking while large flame throwers cast orange fireballs into the sky as snow mobiles flew off ramps performing flips in the air and perfect landings..

Yay!  A show better tailored to the Grey Cup audience rather than catering to 13 year old gilds.  Well done.

Have a great day, do something to attract international media.

Working in Montréal today --How to make friends and influence people

Hi folks,

I will be working in Montréal today.

Don't worry this is not about Rob FF Ford.  You could just skip down 3 paragraphs if you like.

Alright, the Ford saga is done for now.  Unless they charge this guy with murder.  No, I don't have inside information, but gosh, what the hell do you think the police investigation is about?  No one really gives a turd (this is a family channel)  if some local boys is Rexdale are smoking crack, but ppl generally care when someone that claims to have a video is subsequently killed.

But I digress. Unless they charge Ford with murder or conspiracy to commit or accessory before or after the fact, then the whole Ford story is dead.  Why?  Because the headline today is that the guy that may or not be Ford's new personal trainer (at 336 lbs, he is a walking coronary incident) was convicted of trafficking in steroids several years ago and had a sports coaching ban imposed.  Yeah?  So?

Friends, this is a headline in search of a story.  Next we may find that the guy that cuts his grass shoplifted a Playboy magazine from a 7-11 when he was 15 -MORE HEADLINES!

So instead of regaling you with Mayor FF Ford stories, I have short recount of a round of golf in Raymond, Alberta some 30 years ago.

At the time I was gainfully employed with the Lethbridge Community College, and a colleague and neighbour of my, Brian.. (!) nope, can't recall his last name.. went off one Satuday morning to play a round of golf.

When I arrived at the course, Brian introduced his friend Biff or something that had asked to join us.  The usual greetings were exchanged.  Biff, Daniel.  Daniel, Biff.  Hi Biff.

In short order we were checked in, and on deck for tee at the first hole.  "So what do you do for coinage Biff?"  

Sidebar here.  If you want to make friends, you need to make an effort to engage in conversation, one of the best ways is to ask someone about themselves..

and we are back.

"I am a piano tuner", he answered with great pride.  It was like.. "I <short pause> am <emphatically> a piano tuner".  "Really, a piano tuner, sounds interesting", I replied.  You see by making comments about topics raised by the other party in the conversation, it shows that you are listening and engaged.

Now I know very little about piano tuning, but picture an old craft where the master tuner can feel the resonance through his finger tips and uses his worn wooden hammer that was passed down from his father and his father before him.  Armed with a tuning fork, felt, damper and an ear that can hear a perfect 440 Hz and the derivations therein he sets about his craft.

"So, where did you study?", I inquired.  "Correspondence school.", he answered.

Damn. I lost it.

"Wow" I exclaimed, "the postage must have been a bitch."

Funny thing about being on deck for the first tee is that often there are other groups hanging about waiting to tee off as well.  This resulted in a bit of an audience for my one liner response.  the audience was not disappointed.   Much guffawing and laugher ensued.  Maybe even a snort or two.

Bif was not amused.

We did not become friends.  The first and the next 17 holes certainly dragged on :)

Have a great day.  Be nice to others.

Working in Ottawa today --Small town hero makes good!

Good morning folks, 

I will be working in Ottawa today.

A few updates..

Alun (the Welsh guy to whom I gave a black eye last week) is near fully recovered with just a hint of his black eye, just a wee line of bruising along the Zygomatic bone.  So after game play at the pub last night, I did the right thing.  I bought Alun a Guiness.  This prompted two things.

a) Alun was quite surprised that I had picked up his tab.  I explained that it is an easy rule of mine.  If I give you a black eye, I will buy you a beer.

b) Leo, sitting at the end of the table became rather agitated.  "What the hell!", Leo exclaimed, "Daniel breaks 3 of my ribs and takes me out of the game for five weeks and didn't buy me a beer!".  Yeah.. Sorry about that Leo, but you see, you ran into me and subsequently hit the deck.  Whereas I fired a line drive into Alun's eye (albeit protected by safety equip).

The bottom line, if you had blackened your eye on the way down, then I would have bought you a beer, better luck next time :)

---

Next out of the gate..

Mayor Rob F. F. Ford's friends.. what a bunch.  You can headline a newspaper with that and not even bother writing an article.  Allesandro Lesi, described by friend Ford as "a stand up guy, following the straight and narrow" was arrested yesterday for a variety of drug trafficking and conspiracy charges.  This same guy claims that he supplied drugs to Ford.  The F. F. needs a better class of friends.

---

Anything else this fine Thursday morning?

Obama vs The Tea Party?  Much ado about nothing if you ask me.  Obamacare is too little and will not do the job.  While yes, it eliminates ineligibility so all can buy health insurance, it is still for-profit insurance.   So I am sure that the insurance companies will still shaft it to the sick and injured.  CLAIM DENIED!.  The Obamacare plan does nothing to provide universal coverage, nothing to provide equal care, and nothing to provide any cost containment.  Don't worry it will be a profit hay day for the insurance companies.

Why is the GOP/TeaParty against it?  Well it is a Democrat party initiative, therefore by fiat it must be bad, and although a thousand miles from an actual Socialist program, the Right thinks it is.

Dumb, dumb, dumber.

---

Lastly, Small rown hero makes a comeback!

Yes, after three years since his likeness was torn down and removed from his birth place, Losif Dzhugashvili will once again stand proud in the town square of Gori, Georgia.

That's right kids, that fun loving guy better known as Joseph Stalin will have his six meter statue once again erected.  It's been 60 years since his death, but Stalin still provokes conflicting emotions in Georgia.  Murderous dictator or hero that defeated Hitler?  Creator of the Gulag prison system and horrific 'purges' over three decades, or bringer of idealism and stability?

In the words of Gregory Shvedov (on the Board for Memorial - Human Rights org), "Maybe he was evil.. [but] everyone respected us.. everyone was afraid of our country". Effectively I think he is trying to say, Yes he was a son of a bitch, but he was their son of a bitch.

okay then.

Have a great day.